The Day After

Before I go any farther, please excuse or pass over any of these painful blogs, this helps me though.

I do want you to know that you need to take care of your friends. If there is something they are trying to hide, call them out on it. Once, right after high school, Erika and I met for coffee and while we were on the phone planning it she told me not to say anything about the way she looked. I knew what was going to be meeting me there. I didn't say anything. I tried to push it out of my mind. She went through these ups and down, and it seemed like when she shrank it was to half of her normal weight. Strangely enough I only have pictures of her when she was doing better, this is something I am thankful for, and right now I am trying to find those little things. Last summer Declan and I met her and her boyfriend at the Botanical Gardens, she met Abe and even held him, I remember putting him in his little Cardinals shirt, because I knew she was a baseball fan, anyway... when I saw her then she was not doing well. She was painful to look at, and I kept thinking about what everyone else had to be thinking when she walked by them. After that I realized that I couldn't quietly let her suffer. I got in touch with another friend of hers to see how she was doing, called a couple of eating disorder clinics to ask for advice and help, and even called her Mom. Her sweet, sweet Mom was very receptive to me trying to find her help, because she knew that Erika was fighting a losing battle at that point. I remember arguing with myself about what to do next. I thought about my growing family, my job, and the stress Declan was under, and decided that there wasn't much I could do except let her know I was thinking of her, and to try to keep in touch.

Come winter and I was having a hard time contacting her. I was hoping everything was going well, and that maybe her busy social schedule and job were keeping her busy. Just a few weeks ago, maybe a month or two, we finally talked again. She told me that she had been getting treatment, which was when she openly admitted to getting help. She was receiving help at the McCallum Place, which was one of the places I had spoken to and looked up online and they offered much help to me in how to help her. I finally told her how worried I was about her, 13 years later I told her I worried. Even though I was scared I told her about my efforts to get her help and she was so thankful, as I was to hear that she had found some. We even talked about having lunch together, and she said that it was really helpful having people around her when she was eating.

Tell you friends to get help! The happy comes knowing that she knew I was rooting for her. I can have peace in that. I could not have had peace in knowing that her disease was so big that it turned me into a coward.

I also worked up the courage to call her Mom this morning. Her Mom was her biggest cheerleader and I hope that she feels like she is part of the reason that Erika lived as long as she did. Her Mom told me that while going through her computer last night they came across a will that Erika had written in December. She obviously knew the delicate place her life was. She told me that Erika had mentioned me in her will as a good friend that she loved and respected, that is another happy, knowing that I meant as much to her as she did to me. Her funeral will be tomorrow and stupidly I think about what I will wear and why I can't just wear jeans. And then my sweet friend will be buried on Saturday.

Her Mom told me to talk to Erika and let her know everyday that I love her, and last night I did. It was hard having Declan go to work, and me alone in the house, because it's in those quiet times that things get really hard. As I laid in bed, not wanting to read, not wanting to go to sleep I talked to her. I asked her what it was like where she was, and if there was really anything after all of this. I remember her wearing this butterfly ring, and I think she had a necklace too, and while I was talking to her I noticed the butterflies that Marley had made and taped to our wall were fluttering. I know it was from the fan, but I think it was maybe her too.

I have to let all of my family and friends know I love them. And I have to know that no matter what shows on your face, like the smile she always had, that something can be tormenting them, and that they need to know that I am there, thinking about them.